Seven years ago, I identified as male. I was taking testosterone about once every week to maintain my sorry excuse for a beard that I still have to pluck at every three days. I had worn a compression shirt to mask my tiny chest that had been deflated by the effects of testosterone. I was always worried about my tiny hands and my small stature, that I wasn't "masculine enough," that I didn't pass well enough, that my hands would give me away. I was looking into top surgery to get rid of my breasts because they were a source of pain and struggle. I had entertained the idea of bottom surgery but wasn't 100% set on it, knowing that it's risky and expensive.
In 2014, I officially detransitioned publicly. I didn't know how I felt about it. I wanted to put gender aside and call myself agender. I no longer wanted to have anything to do with gender, period. I still couldn't stomach being called female, girl, or in my future, woman, because I didn't think I qualified to be one. Seven years later, I feel I definitely qualify as a woman, and it's not based on my interests or behaviors, it's based on my sex. For the past 7 years, I've been increasingly more comfortable in my body and my womanhood. I love every single part of my body, and I wish everyone could love their bodies just the way they are.
When I first detransitioned, I had never felt so alienated in my life. I had no idea anyone was like me, I thought I was the only person in the world that detransitioned. I had no support or any help because no one I knew understood what I was going through. I experienced my worst phase of depression during this time, but I never thought to pick up testosterone again. I decided to grit my teeth and bear it. A year later, I met my husband who embraced me for who I was, and it was only then did I start my journey of self love and acceptance. I am incredibly grateful for him being in my life because without him, I don't know where I'd be mentally.
Partners for Ethical Care shares these stories to give voice to individuals who cannot share their stories publicly due to the possibility of losing their jobs, their friends, and their children. All stories are confidential and anonymous. You can share your story too. Go to partnersforethicalcare.com and click on the Share Your Story button. We welcome your story, your time, and your donation to support this important work.
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